The chances are that if you are reading this blog, then you are in a relationship and feeling the following:
- You’re constantly needing reassurance from your partner
- You’re needing attention all the time
- The tiniest things that he does or says to you spark you into feelings of anger, sadness, loneliness
- It feels like he’s spending all his time doing things other than spending quality time with you
You’ve repeatedly asked politely if he would spend some time with you and you get a casual response such as “Yeah, just a minute” which ultimately never happens.
You end up turning opposite from him in the bed and going to sleep. Intimacy is rare at this point.
You’ve now decided that you are genuinely unhappy in the situation. You do love your partner, you understand that everyone has their ups and downs, as individuals, but you know you cannot keep living this way.
Guess what? What you are feeling right now is extremely common. I know it feels like such a struggle but I can assure you, there is a way to get past your struggles. It may feel far, far away but it is closer than you think. Let me show you how.
Where the real problem lies
It’s totally normal to want to spend time with your partner and share in special moments together. This is healthy and important to help grow the relationship.
However, where it gets to the point where there are fights, heavy chats and arguments all the time because your partner isn’t meeting your needs, then something is wrong. It feels like they aren’t meeting your needs. That they are being inconsiderate and unloving. Whilst this may be the case to some extent, this is not the real problem. The real problem is that you are disempowering yourself and putting all the pressure on him to deliver for you. Unfortunately, this is a responsibility that he finds so challenging that, he is clueless on how to actually make you happy.
When you disempower yourself and place your happiness in someone else’s hands, then you become needy and repel the very thing that you crave. The dependency that you have on the other person is the very thing that makes you unhappy, both in the short and long term. This sets up a vicious cycle where he tries to give you what he thinks you need, yet this is rarely what you need and then both of you are left sad, hurt, angry, disappointed and heartbroken.
How to turn it all around
Here are 4 steps to overcome your emotional neediness:
1) Acceptance of your circumstances
The first step in the process is to truly accept what is happening.
Accept that you have been needy. Accept that you are disempowering yourself. Accept that you are putting your happiness in your partners hands.
Accept that it’s happened and that it needs to change.
2) Recognise that it’s not your partner’s responsibility to make you happy
It’s yours! As much as we crave the thought of our partner to make us happy, it’s important to recognise that it’s not their job. We must ensure that we find ways to give ourselves the love and attention that we crave so much – thus reducing the reliance on our partners. Ironically, when we find ways to serve our needs ourselves, then the very thing that we were craving has a way of coming back to us in spades through our partner.
3) Let go of your impulsive nature
It’s so easy to be triggered by your partner when he isn’t meeting your needs. Rather than reacting impulsively and giving him the silent treatment or getting angry at him, try and have some empathy and understanding for him. Maybe he’s feeling stressed right now about work. Maybe he’s exhausted. Maybe he just doesn’t truly understand how to make you happy which present’s an ideal opportunity to ‘coach’ him and show him what you need and how you need it.
4) Drop the expectations
Whenever you are attached to your expectations in a relationship, you are setting yourself up for a fall. Why? Because in life, your expectations aren’t always going to be met and in relationships, this happens more often than not. Does this mean that the relationship is not operating well? Absolutely not. All that has happened is that your focus has gone away from truly loving your partner to focussing on one thing – your own self. As soon as you start playing at this level of love – where it’s all about you – then you will inevtiably get hurt when the expectations don’t get met.
Instead of focussing on your expectations being met, choose to focus on appreciating all the wonderful things in your relationship or in your life. Just that simple shift in focus can create a completely different emotional state allowing your partner the space to truly connect with you.
Even though this article is about relinquishing your attachment to your partner, you’d be forgiven in thinking that the end goal is to become completely independent and hence, diminshing the emotional connection you have with your partner. Fortunately, this is not the case.
My goal for you is to get you to a place where you are complete and whole within yourself yet are creating a sense of oneness with your partner. A place where you don’t need your partner to serve you, but he does anyway. Where you don’t need his approval, yet he gives it you freely. Where you aren’t dependent on his love, yet he loves you in a way that nourishes you and expands your soul.
When you combine detachment with the intention of giving love to your partner, you will experience a love that lasts a lifetime.